| | Well, new xanga because I was tired of the old one. I'll make this one extra pretty later, i don't feel like it now. But the layout is pretty, I think.
I don't have much to say right now, but I am going to copy and paste my last post of my old xanga that I posted about an hour ago maybe? I dunno. But I want it on this one too. Here it is:
You cannot even fathom how pissed off I am. Which is slightly exciting because this is the first time I've come alive in months, but still. Not a fun feeling.
Anyway, I was going through some old friend's xangas, and I cam to a particular person who likes to say mean things about people and not use names. I think I will try the same tactic. Minus the mean part, and more of a defensive rant. I really don't think it's fair to completely steal her game.
Anyway, as you can see a few posts below I had a ranting session on Valentines Day. And as I was reading Ms. Nameless's last post, I came across a reference to a "person I haven't purpously talked to in months". Now, maybe I am being conceited and selfish in thinking this qualifies as me, but how many 'ex-friends' can a person have? So I am going to continue as if she meant me.
This bothers me for more than one reason. A) This means she deliberately came to my xanga and read what I said. This doesn't bother me that much, because I obviously did the same. But it does give a little twinge off... triumph? I dunno. B) Why does she care? Oh, and the ending it with: Stop trying to be so emo. Whore.
Can I start off by saying the offensive part of that is not the 'Whore' part. My friends and I are constantly calling each other whore and such things. The offensive part is the "trying to be emo" part. For as long as this girl and I knew each other, she obviously never knew me.
And I love the fact that Katie and I have been friends for.... 5 months? That would be October, so yeah, five months. We know each other inside and out. I know when she is in a mood and she knows when I am in a mood. She's the best friend I can't remember having. Maybe I've forgotten that. I don't know. If I forgot, then I forgot. What's in the past is in the past.
Oh, and something else? It hasn't been months. I clearly remember a day in January when my mother told me that I should just try. Try and reach out. And so I did. She said that even if I got zero response (I didn't expect any, but I think she might have), I could at least say I tried. So I did. I so tried. I used ever conversation starter I could think of. I don't know if it would have changed if Kayla had been there or not, but I guess we'll never know. Actually, the one-word responses I did get were more than I expected. I think mom and Mrs. P want me and her to be friends again, but I want to laugh. When were we ever? All we did was sit around and watch TV. It was so boring. I'll admit we had our moments, like the time she looked to see how much ice cream I had left, or the time we held that stupid sign out by the road, but otherwise, we kind of stopped being friends some where along the way. I don't even know where, but it's true. We hung out because our families hung out. Maybe I am forgetting something, but I don't think I am. I never talked on the phone with her for hours like I do with Katie. I never confided in her. She never confided in me. I feel more... relieved than anything about us not talking. Whenever we were together we did stupid stuff. I don't feel like shit anymore because of the crap I felt pressured to do.
And, in conclusion (Mostly because I am tired, don't think this is over), what I say on here is more me than I ever was with you. Maybe you think I am being a poser because you've never seen me like this. Not only did high school change me, but also you never really knew me. I felt intimidated by you, and was scared to really let me be me. I know you know I like to read, but did you know that until I finish a book, the story engulfs me like I am actually there? Did you know that I sometimes stay up all night and see the sunrise because my mind is filled with dreams that will never come true? I'll bet you didn't know that. I'll even bet you don't know... never mind, forget it. It's something only Katie and Allyssa know, and I would like to keep it that way. And you might actually know this one. I know you used to cut. I think perhaps you might still. I know you think I did it because you did it, and that's only partly true. I did it because I heard it released pain. I heard that sorta from you. In a roundabout way. So I tried it. I liked how the red marks rose so quickly. I like how I could mix blood and tears, and it was still red, although it was a lighter shade. I liked how it made me feel. Powerful. I stopped for a while. I thought that I was done, and it was stupid. But new problems arose, and I found myself between groups of friends. Did you know cutting can become a comfortable habit? I'll bet you do. It's so easy to pick up that sharp edge and dig it into the skin. It's harder to cry though, now. I don't cry at all anymore. I only cry when I am reading. It's more real to me than reality. Reality is like a whirl of emotions I don't feel, but reading is a blissful release from the world. It's lovely.
So yes, my own rant is coming to a close. I am tired and feel sooo much better. Which is surprising. If it weren't almost 3, I'd call Katie. But I'll email her instead, and talk to her tomorrow.
Nighty night, world. I hope you didn't read that. It just made me feel better, it wasn't for you. Sorry, but I can be selfish like that.
*Edit*
Although I must say, the ranting on Liv was perfection. Not that there wasn't a time when i didn't love the girl, but that really hit the nail on the head. I was giggling until I got to 'Part 2'. Then it wasn't so funny. But still, now that I've gotten that part out of my system, I am giggling again. Wow, I couldn't have said it better. Katie couldn't have said it better. V.C. Andrews couldn't have said it better!
*sigh* I am still sick, I can tell. I am acting weird.
Haha, though! Katie, tell Kevin and Sean and Jerry that they are cutefaces, even when they are drunk.
Isn't that lovely? It made me feel a lot better.
Later days, lovies! |
| | Posted 2/18/2006 4:34 AM - 8 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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